Quiet Time

If your child has dropped their nap, or is about to drop their nap, you might know the sinking panic that sets in once you realize your afternoon schedule is going to be very different. What if she becomes cranky by 4pm? How am I going to survive the afternoon with a toddler who doesn’t nap? What if quiet time backfires and he comes out of his room every minute? When will I get some down time for myself? 

Here’s are the two takeaways I want to share about quiet time: 

1. Research shows us that quiet time is a form of rest that is healthy for brain development and nervous system regulation. Often we feel guilt when we enforce the rule that our child must play alone in a room by themselves, when in fact, it’s has many benefits far beyond having some peace and quiet for a little bit in the afternoons. Not only does research show us that quiet time benefits children, but it helps us as primary caregivers. A mid day rest and reset helps us regulate and gives us a break. We are less likely to be reactive in the afternoons after quiet time, especially if we get to do some form of self care. Downtime is when we get to fill our cups, so we can give to our family the rest of the day. THE BOTTOM LINE: Quiet time benefits both you and your child.

Benefits for children: 

• Time to process their day and daydream. Quiet time is often a time where you will hear your child acting out a scenario where their sibling took their toy, or a scene in a movie. This is a form of daydreaming and it allows your child to practice reflection and perspective talking. This is a time for adults to process information too, such as, “Why did I tell the grocery check out clerk that I loved her when she told me to have a great day!” OR “What do I need to prep for dinner tonight?”

• When children are in quiet time, they are the directors of their play. They do not have siblings to come knock over their towers, or interruptions from adults. This is the magic and lost art of play, and we can preserve it during quiet time.

• When we are bored, we learn how to problem solve. In our fast paced world, where our playrooms are filled with an abundance of toys, kids become bored when not entertained or told what to do. Quiet time allows children to access their creativity and find ways self entertain. This might take weeks of hearing the age old, “Mommm, I’m bored!!!” Do not fear boredom. 

• Quiet time decreases the afternoon grumpies and tantrums. Imagine going on vacation to a destination you have never been to before with your family. The first day there, you traveled for far too long, you are trying to understand the maps, and adjust to the temperature. The hotel staff is teaching you where to park your rental car and how to make dinner reservations. Your partner is asking you where the kids bathing suits are located. When 4pm rolls around, you are exhausted and grumpy. Now imagine if you were able to rest and regulate your nervous system for an hour that afternoon. Your mood would instantly be shifted after the all day stimulation, right??!

2. As with any new routine, implementing quiet time takes practice, boundary holding, and time. Especially with children who are used to being with others or are spirited and like to push back on boundaries, quiet time can feel like, “another afternoon of failed attempts” time. Many families try quiet time and expect their child to stay in their room and play happily and independently, and give up when their child consistently cries or comes out of their room. 

THE BOTTOM LINE: Just like we insist that our child hold our hand when crossing the street, or stay seated while eating at the table, our job is the same during quiet time: Hold those boundaries during the transitional time.

How do you start quiet time? 

Here are 10 tips to get started! 

1. Keep your child in the loop. Tell them what will happen and what you expect to happen during quiet time. Our rules are no screens, quiet voices, and the only reason our kids can come out of their rooms is if there is blood or someone needs to use the bathroom. Don’t forget to tell them where you will be. At the beginning, you might need be right outside their bedroom door. This might sound like, “Your job is to stay in quiet time, and my job is to fold laundry outside your door. I’ll check on you in 3 minutes.”
2. Try a light to signal quiet time. We use the Hatch Nightlight and use RED= BEDROOM, ORANGE=CLEAN UP GREEN=COME OUT. We use this same color system for wake ups in the mornings. Sometimes I make quiet time earlier or later depending on our days, but it works for us to have it from 1:45-3:00. You can also try a timer if that works better for your child, or play light music for a certain amount of time. 
3. Expect protests and coming out of their room in the beginning. When your child pushes back and comes out before their light turns green, calmly and as boring as possible, walk them back to their room and state the rule: “You can come out of your room once your light turns green.” Your child might just stare at the timer or light for the first few days, which is ok! 
4. Keep the time short in the beginning. This is crucial for helping your child feel successful during quiet time. You can start with 10 minutes, and sit outside the door. Praise your child once they stay in their room for 10 minutes, and gradually add time each day to quiet time. This will build a positive association with quiet time AND it keeps quiet time developmentally appropriate for your child. Expecting a child to stay in their room for 30 minutes the first week might not be a realistic expectation.
5. Try and give positive feedback BEFORE your child leaves their room. If you know that your child can only stay in their room for 5 minutes, stand in their door and provide feedback before your child tries to leave. This might sound like, “Thank you for staying in your room, you have 2 more minutes until quiet time is all done!”
6. If your child continues to get out of their room, try talking to them through the monitor if you have a monitor where you can talk two ways. Practice having them ask a question in their room to the monitor during a neutral time. 
7. Install a baby gate. Even if your child can climb over it or open it themselves, often a container can help children feel safe. 
8. Stay consistent! It can be so hard when our child cries or screams. Remind yourself that your child does not have to be happy about quiet time. We can’t force them to like quiet time, but we can validate their feelings and hold the boundary. 
9. Be mindful of what toys are in your child’s room. Too many can be overstimulating and too little amount of toys might lose their novelty. If your child has a favorite toy, keep it in their room. Open ended toys such as Magnatiles or blocks are a great staple for quiet time. 
10. Make sure their room is a happy, positive place to be. If your child struggles with bedtime, or is sent to their room as a form of timeout, their room can have a negative association. Play with your child in their room before you start quiet time and create some happy memories in their room. 

Establishing quiet time shows your child that you value peace and solitude at times, which is one type of rest that all humans need to function optimally. 

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